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Cry

I'm sorry I keep posting. But I'm a mess and I have no other outlet right now. And I'm sad and scared and I just don't know what to do with myself. So I post and post and post.

I'm here in my house all by myself. Mostly that's okay. I like being by myself. Sometimes it's all I want when I'm upset. The eyes on me, the pity, can cut into me like knives. But the quiet is huge. My brain is so full of bad thoughts. Have been keeping the TV on continuously to distract me. But even getting my mind off of it feels bad. Here I am, sitting here alone in my house, not sure if I'm thinking too much of my mother dying, or not thinking about it enough. And I'm trapped here by the snow.

It's snowing in Pennsylvania too. Not as bad as here, but it's still a real storm. Will the hospital be okay? Do they have the staff they should when people are scared of the weather? Will they be there to take care of my mother? What if they lose power? What if my dad can't get to her? What if she takes a bad turn in the night and she's all alone? What if she dies before I can get home, and the snow is so bad not even my dad can be there with her?

Bad thoughts. Bad thoughts. Nothing I can do. Can't help her, can't reach her, can't make anything better. I can sit here and stew in it, my stomach churning, or I can zone out in front of mindless TV, conveniently not dealing with the reality that she's dying. Some choice. I can't make the right one.

I feel like my life is falling apart. All the most important things. It hurts so badly. So badly that I am so at a loss of how to deal that I'm doing this. Writing attention-seeking desperate cries like this even though I know nobody can do anything. I hate drawing attention to my inability to deal, I hate being an object of other people's pity.

But I concede. I'm laid low. Enough, universe. Enough.

About Me

My name is Phoebe. I'm Boston area theater professional and English professor focused in writing, acting, directing, and modeling. I'm known for having lots of interests, lots of opinions about those interests, and a very high estimation of the value thereof. This blog is for talking about whatever's on my mind, from my daily life to my activities to musing on any number of abstract topics. Thanks for taking the time to read.

My productions:

Upcoming Productions:



MRS. HAWKING part 2 and 3


at the Watch City Steampunk Festival 2016

presented by The Chameleon's Dish

Vivat Regina
by Phoebe Roberts

at 2PM

and

Base Instruments
by Phoebe Roberts

at 6PM

Saturday, May 13th 2017
at 274 Moody Street, Waltham, MA

Other Achievements:

"The Tailor at Loring's End" screenplay
Quarter Finalist in the Final Draft Big Break Screenwriting Competition 2013

"Adonis" screenplay
Top Ten Percent in the Bluecat Screenwriting Contest 2015

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