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Submitted my Tailor screenplay to the contest today. Fairly sure that there will be so many other entries I don't have much of a chance, but what the hell. It forced me to revise, to turn my few, very long scenes into many, significantly shorter scenes, which is necessary for modern screenwriting. I think the script is much, much improved now, tighter and snappier, though probably still not perfect. It's probably still too talky, though it is definitely more visual than before. It's also quite a few pages shorter, going from one seventeen down to one oh nine. Whatever, it is submitted now, and I am proud of myself for making it better.

Most scenes are just edited, but one scene I completely redid. I was never quite happy with how I did the scene of Alice and Tom having their first real conversation together, the one where the connection between them was supposed to spark. It was incredibly difficult for me to re-envision it, and it was actually the last thing remaining to accomplish.

I ended up going to the gender well, in a way I had kind of resolved not to before. I didn't want to make an issue of a male dressmaker like Tom, as I didn't want the reader/viewer thinking too much of it. And as you may know, I have a liking for traditionally masculine men doing traditionally feminine things. But throwing it in there worked, gave opportunity to bring a few things up about Tom's passion for the craft-- which was really the element that hadn't been fully explored yet, and really did belong in that conversation. And I don't think it messes up my schema too much.

Read the scene for yourself and see how it came out:

EXT. LORING'S END - FRONT WALK - CONTINUOUS
        Alice stands on the front path, sniffling into a
        handkerchief.
                            TOM
                  That's awful, miss. Listen... thank
                  you. For speaking up for me.
                            ALICE
                  It was nothing, nothing at all.
                            TOM
                  It was good of you all the same.
        Alice is distracted but struggles to compose herself.
                            ALICE
                  Pardon my manners, my name is
                  Alice.
                            TOM
                  Tom Barrows. It’s a pleasure to
                  meet you. Ah, despite the
                  circumstances.
        She dabs at her eyes.
                            ALICE
                  Of course. So you’re the tailor?
                  You're not what I expected.
        Tom grins a little.
                            TOM
                  Not a woman, you mean?
                            ALICE
                  Well-- and so young!
                            TOM
                  I've been at it it all my life. I
                  even stitched for Madam Vayon
                  downtown. The wedding gown I made
                  for Marjorie Hancock made the
                  society page.
                            ALICE
                  That was yours? It’s only… I’d
                  never thought a young man would
                  care so much for pretty dresses.
                            TOM
                  Why, they’re for making girls
                  pretty— and who cares more for
                  that?
        Alice can’t help but smile at that. Tom is suddenly
        self-conscious, and stammers shyly.
                            TOM
                  Of course, I’ve spent more time
                  with the dresses than the girls.
                  It’s the work, really. The making.
                  Tailoring suits is architecture,
                  and dressmaking feels like art.
        Alice is impressed, even a little charmed.
                            ALICE
                  I can see why Aunt Emma came to
                  you.
                            TOM
                  I suppose. I had a good teacher.
                            ALICE
                  Madam Vayon?
                            TOM
                  My mother. It’s thanks to her I
                  know something of embroidery. It
                  was her specialty.
                            ALICE
                  Where does she sew?
                            TOM
                  She passed a few years back. And
                  her eyes went on her early, so I’m
                  afraid her dressmaking days were
                  already behind her.
                            ALICE
                  Oh, I'm sorry.
                            TOM
                  It consoled her that she could pass
                  what she knew on to me. I do my
                  best with it for her sake.
                            ALICE
                  I think you sound like a very
                  decent fellow, Tom Barrows. And a
                  very fine tailor as well.
                            TOM
                  That's very kind of you, miss.
                            ALICE
                  I'm sorry my aunt never got to see
                  your work. Have you done much
                  already?
                            TOM
                  I've hardly started. In fact...
        He unhappily draws Emma's check out of his pocket and hands
        it to Alice.
                            TOM
                  I suppose I'd best give you your
                  aunt's money back.
                            ALICE
                  Oh, my. Are you certain--
                            TOM
                  Please, I can't keep it now. And I
                  should return the bolt of cloth she
                  sent over as well.
                            ALICE
                  You keep that. Perhaps I'll call on
                  you to make something beautiful for
                  me sometime.
                            TOM
                  Anytime, miss. It would be my
                  pleasure.
        They stand at the edge of the path for a moment, then Alice
        seems to grow flustered and attempts to collect herself.
                            ALICE
                  Now… I suppose I should go. Perhaps
                  one of the officers will take pity
                  on me enough to tell me… something.
                  Anything at all.
        Tom turns to go, but hesitates.
                            TOM
                  I am very sorry about Miss Emma.
                  If... if there's anything I can
                  do...
                            ALICE
                  Oh, I’m sure you’ve had far too
                  much to do with our troubles
                  already.
        Tom nods.
                            ALICE
                  Thank you, Tom.
                            TOM
                  For what?
                            ALICE
                  For talking to me.
        She turns back and goes into the house. Tom goes the
        opposite way.

About Me

My name is Phoebe. I'm Boston area theater professional and English professor focused in writing, acting, directing, and modeling. I'm known for having lots of interests, lots of opinions about those interests, and a very high estimation of the value thereof. This blog is for talking about whatever's on my mind, from my daily life to my activities to musing on any number of abstract topics. Thanks for taking the time to read.

My productions:

Upcoming Productions:



MRS. HAWKING part 2 and 3


at the Watch City Steampunk Festival 2016

presented by The Chameleon's Dish

Vivat Regina
by Phoebe Roberts

at 2PM

and

Base Instruments
by Phoebe Roberts

at 6PM

Saturday, May 13th 2017
at 274 Moody Street, Waltham, MA

Other Achievements:

"The Tailor at Loring's End" screenplay
Quarter Finalist in the Final Draft Big Break Screenwriting Competition 2013

"Adonis" screenplay
Top Ten Percent in the Bluecat Screenwriting Contest 2015

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