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Object of value

Feeling "productive" or "useful" is probably more necessary to my mental wellbeing than anything else. I feel a strong compulsion to be making, doing, or enabling things that could be considered valuable, enough that I feel off and weird when I'm for whatever reason not able to.

It has its upshots. I get a lot done! I do a lot of cool things! It provides a sort of objective measure by which to regard myself; if I'm busy doing a lot of worthy things, it helps me to feel good about myself even if I feel down. It also acts as a countermeasure to depression-fueled inertia. My life never gets off the rails, nor do I ever fall down on my responsibilities, but I know that I will at least feel somewhat better if I keep doing things, and often that is the path for me to pulling through entirely.

The downside, however, is I have a hard time feeling good about myself if I'm not doing things, or enough things, I consider sufficiently worthy. Humans should have intrinsic value, but I have a hard time believing that in my gut. I should be doing things, making things, accomplishing things, in order to be valuable. I should be beautiful and strong and capable in order to be useful to people. It's not a healthy thing all the time, especially when you're too depleted to see that you're hitting all those marks. It's somewhat objectifying, really, to place that much of a person's value on how much or what sort of things they're doing, or how they are useful to others.

I shouldn't objectify myself that way, and I don't know why I do. I never felt anything but loved and valued growing up, regardless of what I did, though I did spend childhood watching two extremely capable parents who were staggeringly productive all the time. For whatever reason, it's a hard feeling to shake. I like the motivation it gives, but when I'm not able to get more done, especially when I'm not accomplishing a goal I set for myself, I feel an unreasonable amount of disgust for myself.

About Me

My name is Phoebe. I'm Boston area theater professional and English professor focused in writing, acting, directing, and modeling. I'm known for having lots of interests, lots of opinions about those interests, and a very high estimation of the value thereof. This blog is for talking about whatever's on my mind, from my daily life to my activities to musing on any number of abstract topics. Thanks for taking the time to read.

My productions:

Upcoming Productions:

MRS. HAWKING part 2 and 3

at the Watch City Steampunk Festival 2016

presented by The Chameleon's Dish

Vivat Regina
by Phoebe Roberts

at 2PM


Base Instruments
by Phoebe Roberts

at 6PM

Saturday, May 13th 2017
at 274 Moody Street, Waltham, MA

Other Achievements:

"The Tailor at Loring's End" screenplay
Quarter Finalist in the Final Draft Big Break Screenwriting Competition 2013

"Adonis" screenplay
Top Ten Percent in the Bluecat Screenwriting Contest 2015

Latest Month

April 2017


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