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31 Plays in 31 Plays, #23 - "Turn It Off"


I don't know what's going on here. I just fucking love the show.


Day #23 - “Turn It Off”
for Bojack Horseman
by Phoebe Roberts

BOJACK HORSEMAN, a sitcom actor
HERB KAZZAZZ, creator of the sitcom

Hollywood, California, 1988

(HERB KAZZAZZ slumps in his office, sadly contemplating his fancy fountain pen. BOJACK shoves open the door.)

BOJACK: Hey, Herb. Got a second?

HERB: Now’s not a good time, BJ.

BOJACK: Really? Then you are the best for listening right now!

(He flops down on HERB’s couch.)

BOJACK: I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s like nobody gives a damn about anyone here so long as you can stay upright and spit up lines.

HERB: What were you expecting? That they’d pay you twenty grand an episode to hold your hand?

BOJACK: It’s not just me! I caught Mara puking in the bathroom again. The girl’s a whippet, it’s not like she can afford to get any skinnier!

HERB: It’s not the top brass’s fault that everyone wants to look like Fay Ray.

BOJACK: Come on, Herb! I’m losing my mind here!

HERB: Look, BJ, I’m expecting this very important phone call—

BOJACK: What, from that weasel stuffed suit? How many hackneyed bullshit sitcoms can you wring out of the same schlocky premise? Who do you think you are, Norman Lear?

HERB: It’s not about a deal—

BOJACK: Then who cares? I need help here!

HERB: Look, BJ— nobody likes somebody who’s so needy all the time! All those executives, all those people who hold your fate in their hands? They don’t want to hear your needs! They want you to do your part to make a huge goddamn pile of money for everybody, so that you get so rich you can take care of your own goddamn self.

BOJACK: But— Herb, I just feel so—

HERB: Don’t you hear me? It doesn’t matter how you feel. Find some way to turn it off!

(HERB storms off. BOJACK sits sadly for a moment. Then he takes out the packet of white powder in his pocket.)


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 23rd, 2015 10:55 pm (UTC)
Don't act like yooooou don't know
Must've been in the president dream season. *feels* Mm... as much as they tried to be better for each other than that, they both just get caught up in industry bullshit.

(turns awkwardly to nearby bull)

Er... sorry bout that.

-"Used to it. Just so long as you don't think yours smells like roses, we won't be having a problem."
Aug. 24th, 2015 12:45 am (UTC)
Re: Don't act like yooooou don't know
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

About Me

My name is Phoebe. I'm Boston area theater professional and English professor focused in writing, acting, directing, and modeling. I'm known for having lots of interests, lots of opinions about those interests, and a very high estimation of the value thereof. This blog is for talking about whatever's on my mind, from my daily life to my activities to musing on any number of abstract topics. Thanks for taking the time to read.

My productions:

Upcoming Productions:

MRS. HAWKING part 2 and 3

at the Watch City Steampunk Festival 2016

presented by The Chameleon's Dish

Vivat Regina
by Phoebe Roberts

at 2PM


Base Instruments
by Phoebe Roberts

at 6PM

Saturday, May 13th 2017
at 274 Moody Street, Waltham, MA

Other Achievements:

"The Tailor at Loring's End" screenplay
Quarter Finalist in the Final Draft Big Break Screenwriting Competition 2013

"Adonis" screenplay
Top Ten Percent in the Bluecat Screenwriting Contest 2015

Latest Month

April 2017


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